Marks of a Mature Man

 

Rhett talks about how Boaz, from Ruth chapter 2, 

exemplifies the qualities of a mature, godly man.

#1 New Release!!

#1 new release in Christian Leadership

#2 overall in Christian Church Administration

#4 overall for both Christian Leadership and Religious Leadership

Read more about Attentive Church Leadership here.

New Book: Attentive Church Leadership

 

In my communication business, I enjoy coming alongside of other talented people, helping them market their product or service, writing their book or speech, or editing their project or proposal.

In other words, I help them make their words sing!!

I had the privilege of collaborating with my friends Kevin Ford and Jim Singleton on their new book, Attentive Church Leadership: Listening and Leading in a World We've Never Known.

The world has changed. The changes around us present daunting challenges to the church, and we minister in places we have never been in before. But there are no one-size-fits-all solutions because every church needs to attend to its specific situation and calling. We need to listen for not only what to do but also what not to do. In a world screaming in a thousand directions for our focus, it’s essential for us to become attentive to God, our congregation, and our community.

 

Kevin Ford and Jim Singleton call for attentive churches with attentive leaders who can discern cultural and organizational change and pivot accordingly. Healthy transformation starts with a posture of attention. We need to see what God is already doing in our midst: in our own soul, in our people, and in the communities and culture around us. Chapters explore key questions that attentive leaders ask and offer case studies of attentive churches that have navigated the issues and transitions facing them. As we practice habits of attention, God leads us through the highs and lows of change into the exciting adventure of being on mission with him.

Click here to learn more about the book. You can also sign up for our bonus Leadership Toolkit.

Don't Touch God's Anointed?

The pastor told my mother, "Marian, I am the only person in this church God speaks to." He taught people that he was God's anointed leader in the congregation. Their responsibility was to obey him - even if he was wrong. 

When I studied the concept of spiritual abuse for my doctoral research, I discovered one often misused Scripture passage in abusive, manipulative settings is the Old Testament verse to not touch God’s anointed. 

Many times this verse has been quoted to keep a toxic leader from accountability. This is a misuse of Scripture, taken out of context: "Do not touch my anointed ones" (1 Chronicles 16:22). They think, "I am a man of God who proclaims His truths, so you have no right to correct me. I'm above all that. I am the one who corrects you." The fact is we all need reproof. Such "wounds are trustworthy," says Solomon. 

The New Testament teaches that every Christian has an anointing available to them, as opposed to the Old Testament, when an anointing was reserved for select leaders over the people - like priests, kings, and prophets. John wrote, "But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you know the truth" (1 John 2:20 NIV).

Ken Boa writes how God’s people got into trouble in the Old Testament when they “trusted in human power and ingenuity rather than relying on the One who had gotten them this far in the first place. They found out the hard way what happens when you trust a person to accomplish what only God can do.”

Don't be deceived or manipulated to follow or protect a leader displaying punitive behavior in the name of "not touching God's anointed." Book after book on spiritual abuse say that line is used repeatedly in unhealthy situations to “protect” the abusive leader. 

See my article, Lessons Learned from Church Hurt.

See also, The Process of Healing from Spiritual Abuse.

Image used courtesy of Pexels

Characteristics of Persons Mistreated by Churches

Spiritual abuse results in deep wounds occurring in the lives of people. The hardest struggle of those who have been spiritually abused may be dealing with the realization that they have experienced spiritual molestation. They will feel as if they have been raped, leaving their minds and spirits stripped of self-respect and filled with a sense of distrust in God and organized religion. A Christian who has been an active disciple and church member for decades may struggle with feeling betrayed by the Lord and wanting to not go to a church again. They may wish to distance themselves for a season or for the rest of their lives from Christianity. Other areas in which victims of spiritual abuse struggle are as follows: a distorted image of God, a distorted image of self, a hard time accepting grace, problems with personal boundaries, difficulty with personal responsibility, a lack of living skills, a hard time admitt
ing abuse, a hard time trusting people, or a preoccupation with spiritual performance.

Various authors offer different characteristics of people who have been abused spiritually. In this research, six correlating qualities emerge of people who endure this abuse: a loss of trust, shame and guilt, gripping fear, problems with personal boundaries, distorted images of God, self, and others, and the facing of a break-through barrier.

First, victims of spiritual abuse experience a distorted image of God, the Bible, self, and others. Because of this distortion, spiritual abuse is “ruinous to the overall mental and spiritual health of the victims.” People view God as distant, a tyrant unconcerned by the harm that came into their lives. Spiritual abuse causes people to view God wrongly. Arterburn and Felton explain, When a defective pastor crops up, those who have placed ultimate faith in him or her (rather than in God) come to believe that God is defective. They attribute all the evil of that one individual to all people of faith. While this toxic leap is irrational, it is the reason many people turn away from God. But just because a particular individual lacks pure faith doesn’t mean that the object of faith is impure.

Because the Bible has often been misused to control them, they may have a fear or even abhorrence of continuing to study the Word of God. They view themselves as failures, as unworthy of love and acceptance, and as fools. They view other people with the characteristic lack of trust.

Victims of spiritual abuse experience this loss of trust often characterized by disillusionment. To be disillusioned is to be disenchanted or to lose the illusion one kept. Church members under a toxic leader often have an illusion they cling to that their pastor is a wonderful, godly man. Even when the warning signs of abuse arise, these people keep believing the illusion. When finally faced with the reality that their leader was abusive, they experience a tremendous deflation. Some never come to terms with the truth of the situation. Some spend a lifetime and never recover.

In an abusive system the leader subtly takes the place of God. The perversion of roles in the system creates an unhealthy dependence on the pastor. Because people place so much trust in the abusive pastor, when they finally realize he has manipulated them, an incredible loss of trust occurs. The persons feel extremely violated and used. Johnson and VanVonderen write, “Those who have been spiritually abused will have a hard time trusting a spiritual system again. This is extremely significant, because the essence of living as a Christian is a trust relationship with God, within God’s family.”

Third, victims of spiritual abuse experience guilt and shame. People feel great guilt if they were used as pawns by the abusive pastor. Co-conspirators and enablers who were tools to victimize, scapegoat, and silence outcasts will experience waves of guilt if they ever accept the reality that their leader was toxic. One author shares that one of the results of long-term spiritual abuse is shame. Shame makes one fell worthless, like something is wrong with them. One feels flawed and alienated. Shame is a wound felt on the inside. Shame will cause a person to withdraw from other believers who could help them. Like Adam and Eve’s hiding from God due to the shame of being naked, victims of spiritual abuse feel the need to hide from even healthy churches and spiritual leaders, sometimes even from God, because of the shame they feel. They are often deeply embarrassed that they allowed themselves to be deceived and abused. This pain is “massive and immobilizing.” Sandra Wilson explains the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “I made a mistake.” Shame says, “I am a mistake.”

Fourth, victims of spiritual abuse experience gripping fear. In extreme cases, when the practice of cursing is used by authoritative leaders, victims experience incredible fear related to being cursed by the leadership if they oppose the leadership structure or leave the church. People fear their name being publicly maligned. But they also deal with the dysfunction of removing themselves from the umbrella of the toxic leader; while in the past they trusted and respected his judgments, now they have to teach themselves that his rejection of them does not actually reflect reality. What a difficult transition for many people. Some people will allow themselves to continue to be abused mainly because they cannot break free of the fear of going against that leader.

Fifth, victims of spiritual abuse experience problems with personal boundaries. A boundary is an invisible barrier that tells others where they stop and you start. Spiritual abusers disregard the boundaries of other people and institutions. Given enough time under an abusive pastor, a person will begin thinking that it is wrong to have personal boundaries. They will feel that they are being selfish if they do not let other people take advantage of them. This violation of boundaries could take the form of being expected to share too much personal information about self and others, to give money by coercion or manipulation, to give approval to plans without knowing enough facts, or to blindly and without question support a pastor’s decisions. People who leave a situation of spiritual abuse have to learn again to put up appropriate personal boundaries.


And sixth, victims of spiritual abuse must experience a break-through barrier in order to move forward. This barrier describes the point when they are confronted with the truth that the system is abusive and they must decide to leave the abusive church. An authoritarian pastor will perpetuate the myth that there is never a legitimate reason to leave that church. Those who do leave do so without his blessing. Mike Fehlauer shares pointedly,

If you find yourself needing to leave an abusive and controlling church, you
need to realize that many times it will bring attacks against your character.
If you discover that you are in an abusive or unhealthy church and must make
the decision to leave, it will be one of the most difficult challenges you will
ever face. How you leave will determine and affect the condition of your heart.

When someone decides that the best decision for their well-being is to leave an abusive church, they must break through the barrier in spite of the risks. They will be attacked. They will be maligned by others in public and in private. They will lose friends. They will lose their church. They will experience a death, leaving one season of life for another. They will experience emotions and hurts similar to that of a divorce. But they must break through the barrier in order to move forward toward healing.

As victims recognize their break-through barrier, they come to the realization that to stay and support the church and pastor means becoming enablers of a toxic system. A pastor can be dysfunctional and an entire system can become dysfunctional. One unfortunate result of abusive leadership is that a church that has basically been healthy in the past, after hiring a pastor with abusive tendencies, will gradually move toward becoming dysfunctional, unhealthy, and a system that enables abuse unless the pastor is dealt with and removed. As the church begins to assist or enable the abusive pastor, victims may realize that their continued presence will actually feed the system, not stop it. 

If the pastor has already positioned certain people to have power, if the church is characterized by a consistent misuse of that power, if there is closed, secretive communication among a few, if truth is regularly distorted, and if a spirit of division and paranoia overcomes the church, then the system, though once healthy, has become abusive. Not only is the pastor abusive, but the church as a system has become abusive. Therefore, not only does the pastor need to change, but the “new” church must change. Even as individuals need to repent, or change, so the church system must go through repentance, or serious changing, if she is to regain health. However, it is highly unlikely that a system that is enabling abuse will quickly recognize and admit their faults and change. 

It will often take much time and much carnage for real repentance of a system to occur – if ever. The victim stuck in this system realizes that for him to continue to support the church in attendance, service, and money is to enable an unhealthy, dysfunctional one. To stay in the church but not support the church financially and with their service is not healthy for anyone. To remain quiet while a pastor and church system manipulate and abuse people is unethical and unhealthy. So, the victim comes to the realization that in most cases he must prepare to leave the abusive church.

Image courtesy of Pexels

The Unrealistic State of the Union Address

Jody Hice, President of the Family Research Council’s Action group, offered a good response to the State of the Union . . .

President Biden's State of the Union (SOTU) address last night desperately attempted to convince the American people that our country is healthy and moving in the right direction. But reality tells another story, and political spin cannot eradicate the truth facing our nation. Nonetheless, the President charged forward, much to the agony of informed listeners.

Like a lecturer who knows his talking points are laden with feeble opinions, Biden's only choice was to "yell loud" in an unimpressive attempt to convince people that his policies are good for America. And "yell" he did, virtually the entire speech. Although his Democratic colleagues cheered him on, I do not believe he achieved his desired outcome. He neither fooled the American people nor overcame the torrents of truth that contradict his frail assertions.

That said, the speech highlighted a frightful certainty: both President Biden and his allies seem to completely believe the myths and deceptive mantra. To them (America's radical Left), this speech was not simply a rehearsed set of political talking-points. It represented their agenda.

So, what were some of his major points we need to take note of?

• Requesting more financial aid for Ukraine
  It was strange that President Biden chose to begin his speech with an appeal for more financial aid to Ukraine. Such a strategy begs the question, why would a president who is giving a State of the Union Address, required by our Constitution as an update regarding the condition of our country, begin with a call to support another nation? One would think that America would be first on the president's mind. It definitely felt as though he was more concerned about Ukraine's national security than he was about ours.

• Calling to expand abortion
  Another disturbing issue that dominated President Biden's speech was a call for expanding abortion and the culture of death for babies, all in the name of "reproductive rights." In fact, he and the Democrats on the House Floor spent a heartbreaking amount of time cheering and celebrating the "right" to kill innocent unborn babies. It was painful to behold.

• Passing blame regarding the border crisis
  When he finally addressed our open borders, President Biden essentially blamed Republicans for not signing a bill he supports, which would actually do little more than provide faster processing of illegal immigrants rather than securing the border and stopping the chaos. It certainly appeared that he is not serious about stopping the flow of illegal immigrants into our country. Unquestionably, because of this reckless policy, nearly every state and community has now become a "border state" and is suffering the consequences.

• Walking both sides of the fence when it comes to Israel
  When mentioning Israel, President Biden tried to walk both sides of the fence. He expressed support for Israel's right to defend herself while at the same time essentially pressuring them to bend to some of the tactics of Hamas. Hamas' attack on Israel was detestable, and it now uses civilians as shields in the ongoing conflict. Biden also revealed that as Commander in Chief, he is ordering U.S. troops to provide humanitarian aid to Gaza. Undoubtedly, that will be a very complicated mission and likely escalate tensions in the region.

Many other issues were discussed, ranging from the economy to gender ideology to the Second Amendment to a call to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Act (which would essentially federalize elections). But on the other side of the coin, it is interesting to note the issues that were not dealt with like the botched Afghanistan withdrawal, illegal criminals or terrorists who have entered our country, the weaponized government, etc.

But truth is hard to refute, and President Biden's depiction of America is far from the reality average citizens experience daily. In fact, most people I talk with believe America is rapidly declining. Their concerns are deep and varied.

They are alarmed about:

• The open borders that are allowing terrorists, criminals, and others to enter our country unchecked. Crime is out of control in many cities, and an open border only exacerbates the problem.
• The devaluing of their hard-earned money as inflation steadily increases the cost of living and the national debt continues to soar.
• The weaponization of the federal government against Christians, conservatives, and political opponents.
• Parental rights being replaced by government guardians and education degenerating into indoctrination by promotion of harmful theories such as CRT, DEI, and transgender ideology that are destroying children's lives.
• The world being on fire with unrestrained tyrants. Meanwhile, our current administration exhibits no significant leadership but rather continues focusing on things like chemical abortion drugs, woke policies, and climate change.

The list goes on and on.

Again, no amount of political spin can change the facts.

But make no mistake: the need to address these problems facing America is the driving force behind our efforts at FRC Action. If there has ever been a time for us to unite in prayer and action, the time is now! This 2024 election cycle will determine the future of our nation, and we need your partnership and support in order to continue shining the light of truth as we pursue the right path forward.

President Biden says this upcoming election is about "protecting our democracy." But like many of you, I believe his policies and the current trajectory this administration is leading America on is, in fact, the greatest threat to our republic.

I urge you to pray. I urge you to take a stand. And I urge you to partner with us. Your generous donation will enable us to stand in the gap. Together, with God's help, we can move the moral, spiritual, and political needle into greater conformity with the biblical principles upon which this nation was founded.

FRC Action is heavily involved in this upcoming election. Among a host of activities, we are attempting to distribute 14 million voter guides, register new voters, identify and train biblically informed leaders to step into the arena, and help them cross the finish line victoriously.

Jody Hice

President, Family Research Council Action

Picture courtesy of Pixabay

 

The Life and Legacy of Henry Blackaby

 

In the spirit of a John the Baptizer he came. And like a prophet, he sometimes ruffled religious feathers and did not fit into the spirit of the age. He made his own trail, and the Lord opened the way before him.

Henry Blackaby, this modest, unassuming preacher became a great tool in the hand of the Lord. In my opinion, in the last 25-50 years of Southern Baptist life, I believe four men had the greatest significance, and all in very different ways. Charles Stanley, Paige Patterson, Albert Mohler, and Canadian-born Henry Blackaby all shaped Baptists in deep and varying forms.

The prophet Elijah introduced himself in light of his relationship with the Most High God: "As the LORD of hosts lives, before whom I stand . . ." ( 1 Kings 18:15 ESV). 

Henry learned to stand before the Lord. As he did, people became small and his God loomed large. Consequently, he often did not fit into religious cookie cutters, he cared nothing for denominational politics, an d he avoided manipulation and slick-looking machinations. Unafraid of controversy and unwilling to pander to popularity, he sought to be an authentic representative of the God before whom he walked.

Calling people to repent of their sins and half-hearted devotion, he taught of a real, personal, and practical love-relationship with Jesus Christ. Henry experienced the deep waters of intercessory prayer, revival and spiritual awakening, and a closeness to the Spirit of God.

Charles Stanley once said that he knew no one who had been as used of God to orient Southern Baptist preachers to the Holy Spirit as much as Ms. Bertha Smith - the last several decades of her life. After experiencing tremendous moves of the Spirit of God in China, Bertha sensed a commission from God upon her missionary retirement to "go home and tell" - spending the rest of her life testifying of genuine revival and spiritual awakening and of the place of the Holy Spirit in the lives of believers. 

It has been my theory for years that, when Ms. Bertha died in 1988, the spiritual mantle of orienting Baptists to the work of the Holy Spirit then transferred to Henry Blackaby, whose infamous study, Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God, was first published by Lifeway in 1990. The workbook sold more than 8 million copies in more than 75 languages. At one point, it was estimated that 1/2 of the students entering Southwestern Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas, said they sensed a call to go to seminary while studying Experiencing God.

The power of Blackaby's influence flowed out of his intimacy with the Lord. I heard H. B. London, head of Focus on the Family's ministry to pastors at the time, interview Blackaby years ago. London asked him how he, a busy pastor, learned to spend time alone with God.

Blackaby shared that as a young pastor, he often hurried through his devotional time - until the day the Lord gave him an arresting word. He said the Lord whispered to him, "Henry, you are rushing Me." Henry repented, and from then on, he ordered his life so that he could spend unhurried time in His Presence.

The Blackaby grandchildren stand at his funeral

Henry believed God was able and ready to speak to and guide the believer individually - and he taught countless others how to walk in that reality. He was a man who walked by faith, trusting in the Lord's promises - and showed the way for others to do likewise.

One of his most common teachings was of the "crisis of faith." He wrote, "When God invites you to join Him in His work, He has a God-sized assignment for you. You will quickly realize you cannot do what He is asking on your own. If God doesn't help you, you will fail. This is the crisis of belief when you must decide whether to believe God for what He wants to do through you" (EG Unit 7 Day 1).

My wife and I have gone through more copies of his EG workbooks than I can remember - all the way back to the original 1990 black and orange cover one from the Baptist Sunday School Board. The original video recordings of him standing in front of a huge orange paper-board, making marks with a big black marker, are in my opinion the richest ones he ever recorded. In his typical, unassuming way, he simply gave testimony of his Lord. My wife and I enjoyed sitting at his feet in 1999 at Ridgecrest Conference Center at the North American Mission Board's "On Mission" summer conference. 

In a world of skinny jeans, smoke screens, and political correctness, how desperately our world and culture needs more leaders like Henry Blackaby.

See Richard Blackaby's article, "Why Is It So Difficult to Believe God Speaks?"

4 Mountains of Men Who Shaped My Life

Four mountains of men who shaped my life all died within a thirteen-month span. I suppose that goes with being fifty-something.

In recent years, my wife and I commented several times, “You realize that people our age are the ones in charge and running things?” The adults who were in charge and in their forties to sixties when I was a child and teenager are now in their last quarter of a century and graduating to heaven one by one.

Shannon Harris, a blogger, writes, “A special kind of pain is felt when your mentor’s time on earth is through.” We remember significant conversations, lessons, and nuggets of wisdom they shared. Memories from their lives, which resonated with value, begin to feel out of reach. And those who loomed larger than life – almost immortal to us – show their mortality.

The Worshiping Pastor

Pastor Jack Hayford passed peacefully in his sleep in early January of 2023. Christianity
Today magazine once dubbed him “The Pentecostal Gold Standard.”  A world-renown leader, he pastored The Church on the Way in Van Nuys, California, eventually became Chancellor of The Kings College and Seminary, and wrote over 400 worship songs, including the popular chorus, “Majesty.” His radio and book ministry took his practical Bible teaching, heart for authentic worship, and love for the kingdom of God into the homes of countless Christians.

I benefited greatly from his preaching-teaching, his authenticity and vulnerability, and his ministry of writing. For three decades I listened to him and read many of his books, like Manifest Presence, The Key to Everything, The Spirit-Formed Life, and Blessing Your Children. I vividly remember his message from Exodus 3 at the Atlanta 1995 Promise Keepers event, when he had every man get on his knees in the arena.

Pastor Jack’s emphasis on integrity – first learned when his mother asked him to answer her question “with Jesus in the room” - his presence as a bridge-builder in the Body of Christ, and his passion to experience Christ intimately made him a shepherd of shepherds across denominational lines. My wife and I traveled once to the Billy Graham Training Center at the Cove to spend a weekend under his teaching.

Pastor Jack and
Rhett at The Cove

The Discipler of Men

Last February, my long-time friend, mentor, and cousin, Morris “Moose” Keller went to be with the Jesus he loved. Though almost forty years apart in age, our friendship continued for more than thirty years.

Moose loved to fish for men, and life was his fishing pond. Whether on the job, at the grocery store, or in church. His signature line was, "Can I ask you a personal question? Do you know if you died today, you would you go to heaven?" And then, often using a "Steps to Peace with God" gospel track, he told them about King Jesus who died on the cross for their sins.

During my college days, he and I met every couple of months. I'd drive from Clinton to Greenville and meet him for lunch at Stax Omega.

We talked about life, the Lord, and our struggles - things that matter. That's what mentoring is. Spending time with someone, connecting over important things, listening, helping them grow and learn. Moose trusted God. His faith was consistent.

The last time I visited his house he lay in a Hospice bed. His body frail but his mind bright, he quoted Scripture after Scripture to me, telling me how he was learning to trust God, and sharing how he led one of the hospital nurses to faith in Jesus Christ a few weeks before. Moose asked me about my wife and three children - all by name. He talked about my father, who had been gone for fifteen years.

He got out his IPhone and said, "Ooooooh. I have to share with you what I read in my quiet time this morning. I read it in the Message and I've never seen it say it quite like this." He proceeded to read his morning reading to me. The last several years, I could expect a daily email sent to several dozen people outlining the notes from his daily Bible reading. 

He told me, "We've been through a lot, buddy." That time was probably the only one he ever ended our conversation without, "Call me if you need me."

The Consummate Bible Teacher

Then in April, Charles Stanley, pastor of First Baptist Atlanta, Georgia, died. I tuned into his ministry as a freshman in college, listening to the InTouch radio broadcast. Attending a liberal religious college, which jettisoned the authority of Scripture and basic evangelical theology, his preaching helped anchor me in eternal truths.

My first year of school, I picked up his book, How to Listen to God, which had a shaping influence on my nineteen-year-old life. The first of more than two dozen of his books I would eventually read, I experienced his practical teaching that drew deeply from the Bible but also was illustrated with personal experiences. In that book I would find what was one of his constant exhortations: develop a lifestyle of meditating on the Word of God, expecting Him to guide you.

I first learned to preach from listening to radio teachers like Stanley. His winsome, conversational style combined with practical exhortations and challenges to trust God marked his teaching.

I met Dr. Stanley only once quickly at a book signing in Atlanta. After waiting in line, I said, “Dr. Stanley, thank you for teaching me about intimacy with God.” He stopped, lowered his pen, and stared directly into my eyes. Then he emphatically said, “That is the most important thing!”

The Encouraging Eagle

And then on January 21 of this year, my friend and business mentor Dan Miller left this earth. Dan’s books and podcast helped open the door for me, and many others, to become entrepreneurs, explore nontraditional work, and challenge conventional thinking about work opportunities.

Dan wrote, “Putting yourself in the driver’s seat requires creating a clear sense of where you want to go. A clear plan of action will separate you from 97 percent of the people you meet.”

Creating the 48 Days Eagle Community, he mentored modern entrepreneurs, which he called eagle-preneurs, to create the life they want, building their work around their life.

He modeled for many businesspeople how important it is to balance your life with both faith in God and making deep deposits in your family relationships. As he often said, “Success is more than a job.”

When we lose mentors, sometimes we grieve the lessons we’ll never learn from them. And then we realize we can cling to their God, embrace the same unchanging truths they believed and practiced, and make the world a better place by shining our light and investing in others – one person at a time.

- Three days after writing this post, another mountain of a man who influenced my life left this earth. Read my article about Henry Blackaby here.

Mountain picture used courtesy of Pexels

The Eagle Has Flown - A Tribute to Dan Miller

 

It was a moment I’ve never forgotten. Driving home from a frustrating day at the
church office, I listened to Crown Financial Ministries interview a career coach on their radio broadcast. Dan Miller was promoting his book, 48 Days to the Work You Love. As I listened, it was like this man was speaking directly to me. He was speaking my language, like he had been reading my mail.

For several years, I’d wrestled with vocational angst. I gradually realized numerous desires shouted within me to use my gifts and pursue interests outside of the scope of what we consider traditional church ministry. And, I wanted to find ways to make money and prosper outside of the limitations of depending on a fulltime church salary to provide for my growing family.

In the years since then, I’ve come to realize many pastors and ministry leaders wade through similar struggles. My friends Les Hughes and Jon Sanders, both pastors, have an entire business, EntrePastors, dedicated to helping pastors realize that following God's calling into ministry doesn't mean you have to live a life of scarcity and meagerness. They share, “We believe God is a God of abundance who gave you multiple talents to build and serve His Kingdom. By using ALL of your God-given talents, you take better care of yourself and your family, and become a better pastor in the process.”

But at the time I was wading through those questions alone, learning to work through the needed mindset changes, personal assessment, and exploration of possibilities.

Dan Miller was the first person I heard – outside of my own head and heart – that affirmed my struggle and gave me hope that there was a positive path forward.

As I reflect on Dan’s life-message, coaching, and writings, so many words come to mind. Here’s just a few of those that impacted me.

Understanding Divine Calling

Remembering the happiest times in your life and the times when you felt most fulfilled are better indicators of your calling than just knowing what you have the ability to do.

You can have different careers at different points in your life. Conversely, two or three different careers can all support one’s calling.

The word vocation comes from the Latin word vocare, which means “to call.” It suggests that you are listening for something that is calling out to you – something that is particular for you. A Calling is something you have to listen for, attuning yourself to the message. Vocation then is not so much pursuing a goal as it is listening for a voice.

Never separate your work from your worship. See what you do during the week as a form of worship. Remember, you are in full-time service, doing what God has called you to do if you’ve engaged your unique skills, your personality and your dreams and passions.

In 2022 I sent Dan this eagle carving I found at Dollywood.
He posted this picture in the Eagles Community and said,

"Thanks so much for this awesome Eagle, Rhett Wilson, Sr. 
I love the natural wood colors and the kind expression of the eagle.
I'll find a prime place in my office for this new addition!" 

Mastering Motivation

It’s tough to make good choices at eighteen that will be meaningful at forty-five.

Your only security is knowing what you do well. Knowing your areas of competence will give you freedom amid corporate politics and unexpected layoffs.

Our culture glamorizes being under time pressure.

Work doesn’t have to drain the energy from your life. You can have work that resonates with your soul and draws you into a deeper, more intimate relationship with God.

Learn from any failure. See it as a stepping stone toward the success you ultimately want.

Exploring Opportunities

Your best opportunity may not look like your last job.

The opportunities in today’s work environment are endless. You can change course several times in a lifetime without feeling like you’re derailed or starting over, if you have a sense of calling to act as a consistent compass.

Your work must integrate your skills, your personality tendencies, and your interests. The more you know and understand about yourself and match that up with your business direction, the more you exponentially increase your chances for success.

Many people are finding that it makes more sense to use this model [of nontraditional work] than to attempt to find the one right job that provides all their needs. One of the hottest terms for creating a work life today is “multiple streams of income.” You may have two or three things that are creating income for you, rather than only one all-important job.

Taking Action

Putting yourself in the driver’s seat requires creating a clear sense of where you want to go.

A clear plan of action will separate you from 97 percent of the people you meet. Everyone has dreams, but very few ever turn those into goals.

If you are in a negative environment – one that causes you pain and anguish - maybe its time to take a fresh look at yourself, define where you want to be, and develop a clear plan of action to get there.

 

In the years following that introduction to Dan Miller, I would read and re-read and re-read his books, 48 Days to the Work You Love, No More Dreaded Mondays, and An Understanding Heart. Hours of my time were invested listening to his podcast, consistently rated in the top ½ percent of the top 1% of all business podcasts, and his audio course from NightingaleConant, Dream Job, which was rated their #3 most popular audio course.

He opened the door for me to explore and benefit from the world of motivational speakers, authors, and coaches in the business and motivational world. Today, people like Zig Ziglar, Brian Tracy, Napolean Hill, Earl Nightengale, Og Mandino, Andy Andrews, Jim Rohn, Bob Proctor, and Russell Conwell line my shelves and audio library.

Dan introduced me to the world of modern entrepreneurs, guys in the mid-stream of life learning to pivot and create multiple streams of income in this rapidly changing world and economy. He knew remote work was cool years before COVID. He assured me my questions were valid, my desires to experience more, good, and that challenging my mindset in some traditional areas was wise.

Success if More than a Job

Miller modeled for many businesspeople how important it is to balance your life with both faith in God and making deep deposits in your family relationships. As he often said, “Success is more than a job.”

It was a long time before I’d realize how many other people he had helped in similar journeys. The more I became familiar with this world of new entrepreneurs, or eagles as he called them, the more I heard stories like my own.

In the years since that Crown radio broadcast, I followed my interest and passion in writing, developing that skill. I became a published freelance author, landing bylines in numerous print and online publications well-known in the evangelical world. I wrote for newspapers, magazines, devotionals, online news sources, compilation books, and more. I worked as Senior Writer for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and started my own company, Hendrix Communications. I also serve as Senior Communications Director for Leighton Ford Ministries. And I dove into bivocational ministry, which is actually how the apostle Paul often operated.

I considered it quite an honor when Dan endorsed my first solo book last year, The 7 Ps of Prayer: A Simple Method to Pray for Your Family. Here was a man who considers Dave Ramsey his best friend and participated in a men’s small group for more than a decade with high-achievers Ramsey and Michael Hyatt. Yet Dan always saw value in the person standing in front of him.

On December 19 last year, I received a personal email from Dan, thanking me for a 7 Ps coin I had mailed to him for Christmas. He told me of his recent diagnosis of Stage IV cancer with an expectation of less than six months to live. He wrote, “Totally out of the blue – no warning until I had some abdominal pain two weeks ago. . . . I’m savoring the time with my precious wife, children, and grandchildren. And the opportunity to live out all those wonderful principles I’ve been teaching all these years. Thanks for your support and friendship.”

Many people in the entrepreneurial world were shocked, saddened, and grieved over this news. Dan had the ability and warmth to make you feel loved, appreciated, and valued. And his life and teachings helped so many of us pursue and create work that is fulfilling, meaningful, and profitable. Dan challenged us to “plan our work around our life, rather than planning our life around our work.” He taught us to find the sweet spot where work and play become indistinguishable.

The Eagles Community received word last week that Dan passed away from this earth on Sunday night, January 21. He had shared with his followers that he was looking forward to his spiritual transformation.

The Eagle has flown. Thank you, Dan. You will be missed.

 

Check out my 2022 post, 18 Benefits of Working Remotely.

Click here to listen to one of Dan's 48 Days podcasts when he responds to an email of mine. Through this podcast I got connected to Jon Sanders and Les Hughes of EntrePastors.

Breaking Through a Bad Church Experience: A Couple of Notes in the Music

"If you love deeply, you're going to get hurt badly." - C. S. Lewis

It was one of the oddest seasons of our lives.

Just a few months later, I would write that in twenty-five years of marriage and thirty of working for churches, we’ve never experienced such middle school girl drama normalized among adults.

Sometimes, when you're in the middle of a dysfunctional situation, it can become easy to think the dysfunctional behavior is actually normative or healthy and that healthy behavior is abnormal. Particularly if the one displaying abnormal behavior insists their way is correct.

My wife served for five years as the Director of Music Ministries at her home church. My children participated there. Most of that season, I served as a bivocational pastor at another area church. When she was hired, the church was in decline. The former senior pastor resigned about six weeks after she started. In the five years of her tenure, the church steadied and slowly began growing again. The current senior pastor often referred to Tracey as the church's favorite staff member. She was well-loved, as was our family. And she loved serving them and working with the musicians to create great music.

For two years, our youngest son and the pastor’s oldest son clashed. Both Alpha males, they didn’t get along great, and they both had a habit of running their mouths too much. Tracey and I had no expectation of their ever being great friends. We had numerous conversations within our family where we advised, “In the real world, you don’t have to be great friends with everybody. You will likely have a few close friends. You do, however, have to be able to live at peace with others. And many times that comes down to bearing with each other – and letting each other be.”

On a few occasions, at the insistence of the pastor and his wife, the fathers sat down with the boys and talked things out. As time went along, it become apparent to Tracey and me that the pastor and his wife had different expectations of how this should play out than did we. Tracey I have discovered through the years that many times, unnecessary conflict can be avoided when we don’t fan the flame, insist on our own way, and instead agree to disagree with other people over non-essential matters. Instead of setting the record straight we can simply let things go.

We've also seen on more than one occasion the dynamics that take place when an insecure person feels threatened by people they can't control. I've told congregations for years, It's very important that we learn to take the right things seriously. Take the Lord and His Word seriously. Take the Holy Spirit, the Great Commandment, and the Great Commission seriously. But please, please do not take yourself too seriously!

At the end of an exhausting day of Vacation Bible School a couple of years ago, the pastor and his wife confronted Tracey as she left the church that night, insisting they have a meeting immediately. Tracey suggested they wait, but they would not have it. Supposedly, our son had said something derogatory about their son, and the mother was livid. One or two days later, this led to me and our son having to meet with the pastor and his son. During that meeting, the pastor accused our son of saying some very specific things – and promised to follow up the meeting with investigation. 

After several days of asking youth face to face, he – and we – could not find one person to confirm the accusation. At that point, the pastor accused our daughter of foul play. Supposedly, she, who was a college student, was intimidating people in the youth group online and warning them to not tell the pastor what he wanted to hear. He asked me to research all of her online accounts, which I did. Again, we found nothing, and my daughter laughed at his accusations.

During the same week of VBS, my wife and the pastor’s wife had an unpleasant confrontation as did the pastor’s wife and my youngest son. This led to an insistence by the pastor and his wife that the four of us sit down together. That two-hour meeting was probably the most miserable one my wife or I have ever endured.

When we left the meeting, my wife and I walked into her office, and I said “Both of our families cannot stay here. I’ve seen this before, and it will not work unless the Lord significantly intervenes.” It was becoming very clear that the pastor and his wife were not going to agree to disagree and give us space. That was July.

From then until December, my wife began regularly hearing from the senior pastor things like, “I need you and my wife to be on good terms. I need you to meet with her. She doesn’t feel loved by you. My life is much better when my wife is not upset. I need you two to be able to sit down and take the Lord’s Supper together.” This went on and on. We told each other numerous times, "I cannot imagine any other work situation where your boss tells you that one of your job expectations is to make his wife feel good." 

During part of this time, I worked for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. I told Tracey that BGEA would never put up with such nonsense - nor would most professional places of employment. Unfortunately, many churches are not known for being run well internally, and this was no exception.

My wife would respond to the pastor by saying things like, “I am good with your wife.  I would have no problem sitting down and taking the Lord’s Supper with her. She and I have never been best friends, and I don’t have any expectation of our being best friends. We disagree over some parenting issues, and Rhett and I made it clear in our meeting last July that it was ok with us for the two sets of parents to agree to disagree and move on.”

But some people will not let you move on if you do not agree with them and submit to them. Their deep need for praise and admiration won't respect your boundaries.

Middle School Drama

The pastor insisted my wife meet his wife in September for a long, miserable, 2+ hour meeting. Tracey painfully listened to her tell all kinds of things she (Tracey) had done wrong – and how she did not feel loved by Tracey. And, as was the case in our July meeting, Tracey owned her part ("I’m sure I could respond better, I’m sorry for any way I have offended you, etc.") – but the pastor’s wife owned no wrong on her own account.

The rest of that year, Tracey continued hearing every few weeks that the pastor needed Tracey to show love to his wife. It was obvious that we were living on two different spectrums.

I can't begin to count the times our son would come home over a two-year period and tell us something the pastor's son had said negative about him. Over and over, we would say, "Son, just let it go. It's not worth always trying to correct a wrong."

One day, in mid to late fall, the pastor left a note on Tracey's desk that he had set up a meeting for her and the chairman of the Personnel Team to talk the next day. He claimed that “our families are not in unity right now and it stems from” his wife and my wife coupled with his son and our son.

In the meeting, Tracey rebutted every accusation leveled against her by the pastor. When the meeting was over, the chairman came to her office and said that it sounded to him like Tracey had done what she needed to do to maintain a good relationship with the pastor’s wife.

At this point, Tracey and I knew loud and clear that we were dealing with unhealthy expectations.  We learned a valuable reality years ago: you cannot fix someone else’s insecurity. That is an inside job. But the insecure person will blame people outside of themselves for their own negative feelings. And they will eventually try to remove the other persons.

The harassment was something my wife and son endured for months, and it continued growing. My wife described it numerous times as feeling like we were in a witch hunt.

Too Much Stress

For the previous two years, my wife experienced growing stress at church related to the pastor. When the church hired him, she and I had serious reservations. He had very little administrative experience – other than leading youth groups. And we later found out he had been asked to leave at least one of his former churches. When you’ve been in church work for thirty years, you’ve seen the same patterns surface in different settings. This wasn’t our first rodeo. We knew the angst a charismatic leader can cause internally for a staff when he or she is lacking in administrative ability.

For much of those two years, Tracey regularly come home stressed. It was normal for her to arrive and say, “He is driving me crazy.” About a year earlier, I just about begged her to go to several of the key lay leaders for help. She refused again and again, saying, “I can’t do that. It will split the church. It will come down to who is for me and who is for him, and I can’t do that to the church.” Not long after our family eventually left the church, she told me, “I can’t believe I kept my mouth shut for so long trying to protect those people.”

By the fall of 2022, we knew that she – and our family – could not keep this up for long. She could not continue dealing with the stress of the inner-functionings of the church. And our family could not keep enduring this unhealthy yo-yo cycle of the pastor and his wife challenging our family. 

And, no one in our immediate family was satisfied nor comfortable with the pastor’s preaching. Our daughter had already informed us that she would not be back to the church after December. Our oldest son, a college student was frustrated with the pastor every time he came home. My mother, who had considered moving to the town, later told me that one of the main reasons she did not is that she knew she could not listen to him preach weekly. He was regularly ill-prepared, shot at the hip, and had what one seminary professor calls "loosey-goosey" theology on several issues that concerned us.

The biggest example of the latter occurred on a Maundy Thursday service, when he explained how God the Father really did not turn his back on His Son at the cross - despite what 2000 years of Christian theology says. No, in fact, God the Father was "hugging" him in the darkness, which shows how he hugs us and doesn't forsake us in our dark times. Great example of a true application - but terribly theology. That's what theologians and pastors call isogesis - when you make a passage say what you want it to say. 

I was greatly alarmed when I heard that message. In retrospect, we probably should have begun an exit then. But like the frog in the kettle, you keep hoping the water will cool down, which it does not. When someone gets their theology of the cross wrong, it is very likely they will be loose and fast with many other things.

One solid couple left the church that year. The husband was seminary trained, and they were very concerned about the pastor's preaching, among other things. We later found out that he had challenged the pastor on more than one occasion about his sermon preparation. Another couple who had been in pastoral ministry left not long after our family eventually did. That man later told me that on his best days, the pastor's sermons were a 6 out of 10, but most of his sermons were a 3. Tracey and I concurred. And as the old saying goes, "When there's a fog in the pulpit, there's a mist in the pew."

Our youngest son was to graduate in May of 2023, and Tracey kept saying, “I’ve got to make it until he graduates, and then I can resign.” She did not want to rock any boats or create a stir. She told me repeatedly, “I want to ride off into the sunset.” The main reason was that her parents had attended this church for about twenty-five years. Her sister’s family regularly participated, as did her other sister’s daughter. This was their family’s church, and she wanted to protect it. And she wanted her family to be able to remain at the church after she left.

Tracey and I had both been careful the previous two years to share our concerns about the church and pastor with almost no one. There was no system in place for any staff member beside the pastor to be heard. We did not even share with her family our growing concerns until the last three or four months of our family's time there.

The Battle of the Band

In January, my son and two of his friends were asked by the youth pastor to form a band for a children’s event at the church. All three are talented musicians. They were excited and began preparing, throwing themselves into the project. Then, suddenly, they were told by the youth pastor that he – instead of them – would be leading - and that he was bringing in the pastor’s son to play as well. He would choose the music, not them. Because the youth pastor is not skilled musically, they thought this was odd. Our son and his two friends were very disappointed and deflated that they were not allowed to lead. Tracey and I knew there were machinations and chess moves going on behind the scenes.

Then, the youth pastor told my son and the pastor’s son that they needed to sit down to try and work out their relationship. I texted the youth pastor and told him I did not think that was a good idea and I nixed it. There was no pressing reason to continue popping this zit. But, I’m sure at this point the youth pastor was getting an earful from someone else.

A few days later, the pastor insisted to my wife that our two sons get together - in spite of what I had clearly said. His son needed to get some things off of his chest. Feeling pressured and coerced, she agreed, though she told the pastor she did not think it was a good idea. As soon as I heard about it several hours later, I knew it was a bad idea. There was no wise, mature reason to keep trying keep pressing this issue.

Or wait – maybe the real goal was to try and make the Wilsons confess, “You all are so right, and we are so wrong!”

In this confrontational meeting, in which I have no doubt the two young men both ran their mouths, the pastor’s son challenged my son – and my son’s two best friends – to a fight in the parking lot after band practice that night. He told my son that he knew he could whoop all three of them. 

In the heat of the moment, my son agreed. That night after band practice, my son came to his senses and drove straight home. He and his two friends came into our den, and he said to me, “Dad, I need to tell you something.” He told us all about it, which was the right thing to do. (That is called repentance, a changing of mind and direction.) While the three of them were telling us about the challenge to fight, the pastor’s son tried to call my son and one of his friends. Then he texted my son and said, “Coast is clear” – meaning he was at the church and everyone else had left. I told the three boys, “Do not respond to him.”

Two days later, I called the pastor and said we needed to talk about what happened. He told me that everything was my son’s fault, that if my son would not run his mouth then his son would not respond that way. When I told him, “Your son challenged my son to a fight. My son made the right choice. He changed his mind, did not follow through, and came home and told his parents.” The pastor’s reply was, “That’s right. My son expects people to be men of their word. Your son should have kept his word.”

At that point, I knew we were walking in the twilight zone. Numerous times during the last several months Tracey worked at the church, she and I would summize the situation by saying to each other, "It's like middle schoolers are in charge."

Henry Cloud has helped many Christians learn how to not be controlled by other people. He writes in his book, Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid those that Aren't, "Love withers and dies without separateness. It's simply impossible to connect if you are not free to disagree. That kind of love is compliance and people-pleasing. It is not real love.

The opposite of separateness is enmeshment. Enmeshing relationships are those in which one person is swallowed up in the needs of another. In enmeshment, one person feels threatened by the individuality of the other, and actively seeks to control the other by intimidating or manipulating him."

Talking with the pastor that morning was another strong confirmation to me that we were in an unhealthy enmeshment.

Two hours later, an older gentleman from the church called me and said, “I have been asked to serve as a mediator between you and your son and the pastor and his son.” So, it appeared the pastor had called someone else, complained about how awful the Wilsons were being, and asked for intervention.

I agreed to bring my son to that man’s house that night for the three of us to meet, which was a mistake.

Sincere but Misguided

I agreed to go for one reason – I respected the older gentleman, who I will call Jack. Now, the role of a mediator is to listen to two sides of a situation and then attempt to bring the two sides together or offer solutions. That is not what we experienced.

Instead, my son and I were guilty before proven innocent. He accused us all of kind of things, told me how I was fueling this disagreement, and even told my son that he might be responsible for a church split. (One thing you should never – ever -  put on a 17-year old. And how can a 17-year-old split a church?) Once, when I was about to clarify something our son had said, Jack looked at me, raised his hand in a stop motion, and declared, ‘I am speaking to him. I will deal with you next.”

It took me months to wade through that experience with Jack. In retrospect, I don’t doubt his sincerity – or his desire to protect church unity. However, what he practiced was not in any way mediation – nor helpful. In hindsight, I should not have agreed to the meeting. Or, in the middle of the meeting I should have stopped it and said, “This is over. We are going home.”

It was sadly but painfully obvious that we were now in an unhealthy situation with political moves, and we were playing with a deck stacked against us. Leaving his house that night, I knew our time at the church was over. I would not have our family staying in such a toxic, erratic environment. I just did not know when my wife needed to resign.

Two or three weeks later, after Jack met with the pastor and his son, the pastor texted me, asking for a meeting between he, my wife, and me. We reluctantly agreed. At that meeting, he told us he needed to apologize for all kind of things. He had a long list, including apologizing for making our lives miserable the last several months. He told us how he recognized Tracey and I had age and maturity that he and his wife needed and that he hoped we could help them. 

We told him that we wanted to help him succeed in his ministry. But we also tried to make it clear to him, though, in the spirit of Henry Cloud’s Boundaries series, that it was not Tracey’s job to make his wife feel good. Nor should her boss expect her to do so. And, we made it clear that we would not stay at the church if the harassments continued.

When we left, we were somewhat hopeful for change - but were not holding our breaths.

Providentially, Tracey then had two weeks off, which the church gave to her after her serving them for five years. It had been such a stressful year, she badly needed the time to decompress and allow the Lord to fill her. The end of her sabbatical coincided with the beginning of the Asbury Revival, taking place at the campus of Asbury University in Wilmore, Kentucky. For years, testimonies from the 1970s Asbury Revival had inspired us, so we decided spontaneously to go one night. We spent three hours in Hughes Auditorium and returned to campus the next day. The Billy Graham Evangelistic Association's Decision Magazine even used one of my photographs as the cover of their edition covering the revival.

Driving home on Friday, we shared with each other that during our time at Asbury we individually sensed confirmation from the Lord that it was indeed time for Tracey to resign. That was Friday.

Sparrows and Birds

On Monday or Tuesday of the next week, a picture surfaced of my son and one of his best friends in a posed shot “shooting the bird.” That’s the middle finger! The previous summer, on a youth trip, the two of them were sitting next to each other on a bus. Someone turned around with a camera and said something like, “Do something crazy.” They decided to shoot the bird simultaneously and the picture was taken. The picture surfaced that week.

Now, I don’t recommend anyone going around shooting the middle finger. However, I’ll be the first to admit that I'm awfully glad cell phones and digital technology were not around when I was a teenager or college student. There was a whole lot of foolishness I engaged in that could have been captured by a cell phone! Like when I spray-painted a street in our neighborhood the night that the Furman University Paladins won the national championship in football. Can I get an amen?

So, the youth pastor found out about the picture and told my wife the two young men would be permanently kicked off of the youth band. (Remember this was about a month after the pastor’s son challenged the other three band members to a fight - and tried to follow through.) My wife, who was technically in charge of the youth band, said, “Absolutely not.” This led to a power struggle, and the youth pastor went to the senior pastor. Together, they agreed the boys would be kicked off. 

We heard later that the story changed. A few weeks later they told people they did not intend to permanently kick them off but just for a week of two. That was not what was communicated to Tracey.

Reflecting on that decision, I’ve remembered the words of Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., former Associate Justice of the Massachusetts Supreme Court: “The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.”

Tracey told the pastor, “I will resign over this. I am not doing this to those boys.”

Of course, her words were said in the context of all of the drama that had gone on the previous year. We later agreed, “It was just a matter of time. If it had not been this incident, it would have been something else. This 'bird' picture was simply the nail they needed to hang our son on. We’ve seen the writing on the wall for months. It’s time to leave.”

It was one of the most grace-less actions of church leadership I’ve ever witnessed in over thirty years. But, it was par for the course, and there was more to come.

Rick Renner writes, "One of the most difficult moments in life is when you realize one season has ended, and the time is right for you to move on to the next season." It had become loud and clear to us, after months of growing harassments from the pastor and his wife, that we were not in a healthy environment for our family. 

Tracey came home that night, and we wrote a resignation, which she submitted the next day. 

We were later told that the pastor contacted a church leader the night before she resigned and warned him she may resign. The leader walked him through some detailed instructions about how to try and give her options - like giving a week off immediately to think and pray, among other things. When Tracey walked in his office and resigned the next morning, none of that was mentioned.

She gave a two-week notice, wanting to prepare the choir and musicians for her absence. It takes a lot of behind-the-scene details to make a large music ministry happen. She wanted to leave well, leave the musicians in good hands, and enjoy celebrating with them what they had accomplished together. She had no desire to air any dirty laundry.

Punitive and Unnecessary

But oh, how quickly the waves change. One big lesson we learned through this ordeal was this: There are people who tell you how much they love you when you are meeting a need in their lives. But when you are no longer meeting that need, they have no use for you anymore.

On Saturday morning, Tracey was informed by the chairman of the Personnel Team that her resignation was accepted, she was immediately relieved of her duties, she could not resign to the church in person, she could not return to church in any leadership capacity, and that she would be paid through her two-week notice.

Tracey begged him to not follow through with that line of action. It was punitive, unnecessary, and decided by two people: the senior pastor and him. After her pleading, he agreed to allow her to meet the choir in person on Sunday evening and tell them goodbye.

Now, in church work, how you allow a staff member to leave is very, very important. It's important for the church to be able to have a healthy ending. It is important for the staff person and their family to have some good closure. It is important for everybody involved to have time to hug each other, say thank you, and wish each other well. It is simply foolish to not do so.

At the church I currently pastor, we, for example, had a staff member resign last year. When he did, I told our chairman of deacons, “We are going to celebrate him as he leaves and make this healthy for everybody.” We collected letters of thanksgiving for he and his wife. We threw them an appreciation banquet and gave people the opportunity to say nice things about them publicly. We honored them on their last Sunday and asked everyone to come to the altar and pray over them. And we paid him a three-month severance, to help them as they moved forward. I would be happy to run into him anywhere, and I think he would me. That’s just how it’s done.

After the Personnel Team and pastor's knee-jerk reaction, my wife was crushed. After five years of giving herself to those people, they were discarding her like a used soft drink bottle.  And the pastor did not have the character to honor her as she left. Tracey, her parents, and a sister and I went to the church on Saturday and completely cleaned out her office.

Tracey emailed the choir a few days later a "goodbye" email. In it, she told them, "I’m resigning not because I don’t love you. I wish I could take each face, cup it in my hands and tell you that “I Love you” to each person.  Choir, Band & Tech are faithful, fun and fairly easy to lead! You are loving and generous in so many ways."

Church Politics

The Personnel chairman made a vague announcement to the church that she had resigned, giving no explanation, which was foolish. We then heard of one couple who thought either I or Tracey had an affair. Another woman assumed Tracey was dying of cancer. And one man from the choir came to Tracey after receiving her explanation and said, “Oh, thank you. I was worried Rhett had done something.” That’s what happens when resignations are handled incorrectly.

I know how church politics work, and I know that this was a matter of, “We might have a church split on our hands and have to do whatever we must to keep the ship from sinking.”

One church member texted me, “This is 100% silencing.”

Allowing an employee (who gave her life to your church for five years) to serve out their notice does three things:

1)      It allows the person leaving and their family to leave on a good note with some healthy closure.

2)      It allows the church to end the relationship on a positive note – even if there has been disagreement in the process. The church should have a Sunday to celebrate the staff member leaving, allow people to thank them, give them a gift. That’s just how it’s done.

3)      When there are disagreements fueling the resignation, when you allow the person to serve out their notice and celebrate them as they leave, it does not raise red flags and questions that the church leadership then has to deal with.

Tracey repeatedly asked for help in a terribly stressful situation. And she kept her mouth shut for almost two years, internalizing it, trying to keep her integrity and protect the church.

The pastor and chair of Personnel should have helped the church celebrate her five years. Instead, they dismissed her two days after she resigned and responded to her like she was a villain. She said she felt like she should wear an orange jumpsuit to church. In our 25 years of marriage, and almost 30 years of working for churches, that was the single most disgraceful and hurtful thing ever done to our family.

She had enjoyed a great relationship with the children’s minister for several years. Tracey invested deeply in her as a mentor. She later said that she treated her like one of our own children. After Tracey resigned, she never heard once from her. That is a resounding example of an unhealthy system.

As Martin Luther King, Jr., once said, “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

Tracey cried herself to sleep numerous forthcoming nights. She waded through all the normal cycle of feelings when you have been mistreated – feelings of vulnerability, not being protected, being unnecessarily exposed.

We received multiple emails and letters from church members – and later from people outside of the church - deeply grieved over Tracey’s leaving – and over how the few in leadership had slammed the door behind her.

One choir member almost immediately emailed Tracey after receiving her resignation email, they had witnessed the “dirty underbelly” of church leadership before: “I guess I thought I could just put my head in the sand and ignore such things. But here we are, watching and experiencing a dear Sister go through what you have gone through. I admire the way you continued, even while you were going through this, to be your sunny self so that few if any knew anything was going on at all. We really are sad that you weren't allowed to make the announcement to us personally and that you were not allowed to give your notice .  .  . Anyway, for us, we will miss being part of the music, but most of all we will miss you.” 

And another: “This is the hardest kind of thing when a church acts out of its character.  It wounds so many.”

We especially appreciated this one:

"I'm so sad and heartsick and am upset by the way you have been treated. I went through a similar situation some years ago. I was a musician at a church for years. The new pastor couldn't deal with the success of the choir and music director. He made it impossible to continue. . . . It just hurts to see the church acting like the world."

And we received numerous contacts from people outside of the church, like the two following:

“I'm so sorry to hear these latest details and the pain Tracey & you are experiencing.  ‘Command and control’ type of leadership in churches causes great harm.  As a friend of mine says, ‘What you don't own, will own you’... and it causes great pain.  

My love and prayers are with you.  In my own very similar moments, the words of Joseph were a great comfort, ‘What you intended for evil (or simply mishandled), God used for good’ (Gen. 50:20).  Even with leaders' wrong choices, God provided an escape from a toxic situation which I should have left much early... though it was still very painful for me for a long time.  I trust that the Lord will bring peace and healing, and eventually open a new chapter after freeing Tracey from a toxic environment.” - MS

"And another: “A dysfunctional system always finds a scapegoat for its pain.” -KF

“I’m so sorry Tracey is going through this. She must be devastated especially after trying so hard to leave in a good way. I am praying for Tracey to trust the Lord as He unfolds the next steps for her.” - CJ 

So then, three months before our youngest son graduated from high school, our family found ourselves making important decisions to keep ourselves from further collateral damage.

Breaking Through

In my own research about spiritual abuse, in years past I have written . . .

“Victims of spiritual abuse must experience a break-through barrier in order to move forward. This barrier describes the point when they are confronted with the truth that the system is abusive and they must decide to leave the abusive church. An authoritarian pastor will perpetuate the myth that there is never a legitimate reason to leave that church. Those who do leave do so without his blessing. Mike Fehlauer shares pointedly,

If you find yourself needing to leave an abusive and controlling church, you need to realize that many times it will bring attacks against your character. If you discover that you are in an abusive or unhealthy church and must make the decision to leave, it will be one of the most difficult challenges you will ever face. How you leave will determine and affect the condition of your heart.

When someone decides that the best decision for their well-being is to leave a toxic church, system, or work environment, they must break through the barrier in spite of the risks. They will be attacked. They will be maligned by others in public and in private. They will lose friends. They will lose their church. They will experience a death, leaving one season of life for another. They will experience emotions and hurts similar to that of a divorce. But they must break through the barrier in order to move forward toward healing.”

We decided to leave, and we have never regretted it. When the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving, you know you must. The back cover of Gary Thomas' When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, says . . .

"As Christians, we often feel the guilt and responsibility of meeting the needs of unhealthy people in our lives. Whether a sibling, parent, spouse, coworker, or friend, toxic people frequently seek to frustrate our life's calling. While you're seeking first God's kingdom, they're seeking first to distract your focus and delay your work.

Instead of attempting the impossible task of mollifying toxic people, it's time we dedicate our energy to a more worthwhile effort: completing the work God has given us by investing in reliable people. It's only when we learn to say no to bad patterns that we can say yes to the good work God has planned for us."

Tracey’s entire family left the church. Every one. After my parents left their home church of twenty-five years during a horrible church split a quarter of a century earlier, never did I think my wife’s parents would have to go through a similar set of circumstances. If the pastor and Personnel Team had responded to her resignation appropriately – rather than reactively – her parents and other family members could have remained at the church. But not with this slap in the face. When asked if they would remain, one of her parents replied, “Would you stay if they had done that to your child?”

Forgiveness is granted, but trust is earned.

Arterburn and Felton wrote in their groundbreaking book, Toxic Faith, about the "outcast" of the system - the persons willing to speak up, rock the boat, and challenge the unhealthy system. They write, "When outcasts surface, they are identified as troublemakers and pushed out of the system as soon as possible.” The outcasts are unimpressed by position or title; they see through the delusion and are willing to suffer great personal loss in order to make a stand and leave the system. Unfortunately, these outcasts will be discredited by the leadership immediately through the process called labeling. Even if they are long-time supporters of the church, the leadership will be glad to see them leave.

We prayed for our children – especially our youngest – that they would not blame God for the wrongful actions of a few people. That this experience would not cause them to distance themselves from church. And, we had many conversations where we said, “What you experienced here is not wise, healthy, nor God-honoring.” It’s given us the opportunity to have long talks about leadership, emotional maturity, and dealing with insecure people.

Allow the Notes to Pass

In the past year, we have tried to remember the reality of the pause in symphonies. Anthony De Mello said, “Do you want to enjoy a symphony? Don’t hold on to a few bars of the music. Don’t hold on to a couple of notes. Let them pass, let them flow. The whole enjoyment of a symphony lies in your readiness to allow the notes to pass.”

My friend and mentor Dan Miller wrote, “The darkness of winter and the new birth of spring, the feelings of happiness and the misery of despair, the state of waking and sleeping, these divergent forces all complement each other, resulting in a richness that gives life its true depth.

Without the struggle of metamorphosis, there is no butterfly. In what we consider adversity, there is the opportunity to discover something that will separate us from the competition. We can then use what we’ve learned to create something so extraordinary that people can’t help but talk about it, recommend, and choose it. I want my life to be a symphony, not a reprise.”

We’ve waded through shock, hurt, anger and disappointment. We've worked through layers of forgiveness, asking the Lord to bless those who hurt us.

We prayed, embraced solitude, consistently practiced our spiritual disciplines, and talked with concerned friends. We read Anne Graham Lotz' Wounded by God's People, Ken Blue's Healing Spiritual Abuse, and Chuck DeGroat's When Narcissism Comes to Church. We found a lot of support from the Funderburk clan, who were all affected deeply.

Thomas Moore wrote, Come, ye disconsolate, where'er ye languish; Come to the mercy seat, fervently kneel. Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish; Earth has no sorrows that heaven cannot heal.

And we slowly began to heal. 

Reading through Ruth Chou Simons' Pilgrim: 25 Ways God's Character Leads Us Onward, her words resonated with me:

"Several years ago, our family walked through a season of loss. We'd invested deeply in a community and an endeavor that we could no longer continue in. It wasn't cancer, but there was no cure to what was ailing us. It wasn't divorce, but the parting was painful. It wasn't death, but we said our goodbye [well, we weren't exactly allowed to]. Our family's journey with God had seen mountain and valleys, but nothing had stung like this particular season of sadness, confusion, and a sudden detour in the road we were so sure God had placed us on."

Slowly, we regained our breath - and slowly our song began to return.

We’ve also moved forward with new connections, opportunities, and ideas. Tracey enjoyed several months of nannying last summer for little children. She assumed the role of the music director at the church I pastor.  Once again, we have enjoyed going to church together – and serving at church together. And she has blessed many people this year as the Choral Director at our local high school, which is also her alma mater. They hired her on the spot at her first interview. Her choirs at school and church love her!

As previously mentioned, many years ago, my parents and their friends experienced an unwelcome change due to the unhealthy leadership of their senior pastor. Several hundred people eventually left the church. The pastor at the next church they joined, where my mother remains twenty-five years later, told them, "I don't know what happened at that church, but everyone who comes here from there comes hurting deeply."

That experience motivated me to spend years studying the subject of what is called spiritual abuse, when mistreatment occurs within the church under pastoral or lay leadership. I discovered a repertoire of authors and books on the subject. I completed my own doctoral research with a thesis entitled "Moving Forward: The Factors that Make People Resilient from Spiritual Abuse in Southern Baptist Churches."

Several years ago, I outlined a book based on my research - a book I called "Hurt by the Church, but Healed by Jesus." However, I filed it to let it "percolate." After taking a reprise, I’m finishing my book, Hurt by the Church, Healed by Jesus. Now with some fresh, personal illustrations, I hope it will be a help to other people groping through similar situations.

Oh, and we decided to make a family joke out of shooting the bird. We now say that when someone shoots the bird, it reminds us that Jesus said, “Aren't two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father's consent. But even the hairs of your head have all been counted. So don't be afraid therefore; you are worth more than many sparrows” (Matthew 10:29–31, HCSB).

That’s taking lemons and making lemonade – and keeping our sense of humor!

When the church hurts you, please remember that there's a big difference in the Christians who hurt you - and the God who keeps you. Continue trusting in Him and growing. There is hope and healing in Jesus.

"They would have swallowed us alive . . . . The waters would have engulfed us; a torrent would have overwhelmed us. Yes, the raging waters of their fury would have overwhelmed our very lives. Praise the LORD, who did not let their teeth tear us apart! We escaped like a bird from a hunter's trap. . . . Our help is from the LORD, who made heaven and earth" (Psalm 124:3-8, NLT).

 

See my article, The Process of Healing from Spiritual Abuse.

See also, The Jealous King and Don't Touch God's Anointed.

The Wilson Five sing together the song, "Our God Will Go Before Us."

Images used courtesy of Pixabay.